To the One who knows my heart much better than I do, who can see past my own rationalizations and clever attempts at self-deception, look inside me and tell me gently and honestly what You see there. I sense that deep within me You have placed the truth about who I am and who I am called to be, but I am having some serious difficulty peeling back the numerous layers of flesh that keep that truth buried and hidden from my sight. There are some things that I don't understand about myself, about my heart and my desires and my actions and my values, and I need You to reveal them to me.
First of all, I catch tiny glimpses of the tremendous amount of pain and suffering and oppression and injustice in the world, both close to my own home and far away. I know that You are intimately aware of the grief of all of your children throughout the world, and that the enormous weight of that grief must break Your heart. Tell me, Lord, what is my role in all this? Is Your expectation only that I should keep from doing evil myself, or are You calling me to join you in actively engaging and healing this broken world?
I rationalize that the world could be a better place if each of us would simply keep ourselves from evil, but at the same time I feel convicted by Your Spirit and through Your Word that I am to be actively working as a servant in Your Kingdom, feeding the hungry, giving drink to the thirsty, showing hospitality both to strangers and enemies, clothing the naked, and caring for the sick as Jesus did.
I know that I am saved by Your grace and not by my own works, and I know that You will love and accept me in Your Kingdom even if I do nothing. But still you have placed within me a desire to conform my will to Yours, to see the world as You see it and to value people as You value them. Yet I am painfully aware of how badly I fail in this and of how my own values are so poorly aligned with yours.
I know that throughout the world 16,000 children die every day of hunger-related causes, and I know exactly what I need to do to care for them in Jesus’ name and to show Your love to the world. So, look into my heart, Lord, and explain to me why I choose to spend $50 on mulch for my flowerbeds. Tell me gently but honestly, is it really because deep within my heart I am more concerned about the weeds in my flower bed than I am concerned about Your hurting children? Why am I that way? Why are my values so poorly aligned with Yours?
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I can't even bear to think about the rest of the tens of thousands of dollars I spend on myself, on vanity and luxury and comfort, when half the population of this world scrapes by on less than 2 dollars per day. And tell me, Lord, why I have to waste so much time amusing myself with magazines and computer games when there is so much good to be done in Your Kingdom right here in town and in my own family and when there is so much joy in Your service.
Why is my will so obviously out of conformity with Your will, and why are my values and desires and actions so completely out of touch with the realities of Your Kingdom? If You and I were each to make a long, prioritized list of the all the problems facing the world that we will work to remedy, why is "The Wilhites are out of ice cream" so much higher up on my list than it is on Yours?
Why am I so broken? Can You fix me, and do I even desire to be fixed? Are You calling me to a life of total service to Your Kingdom, to live like Jesus lived, and am I even capable of that? If my values are to really be aligned with Your values, then are You calling me to live in joyful poverty, and can I even follow You there?
This discipleship road is really scary. Can we take baby steps? And I know that You will always guide me in our journey, but it would really be nice to have some brothers, older and wiser than me, to walk along the road ahead of me and to encourage me in my walk.
O God, heal me and strengthen me for the journey. Amen.
